Necessary College Vocabulary, Lesson One

1. Sexile (n): comes from combining "sex" and "exile"; To banish a roomate from the room/dorm/apartment for the purpose of engaging in some lovin' relations with one's partner. Usually a pattern occurs where one roommate typically does all the "sexiling," i.e. getting ass, whilst the other more often becomes the "sexilee," resulting in their exile from the vicinity (and general lack of ass-getting.)

I totally got sexiled last night. I had to go into the bathroom to talk on the phone, but when that became occupied, I stood awkwardly in the living room and ate pickles.

2. Fire alarm (n): a screeching system of beeps, sirens and lights, equal in decibels to that of a jet engine, that must go off in college dormitories at least fifty times a month, especially when people are sleeping or showering.

After I had been sexiled, and the other and friends were all chilling around, the fire alarm went off. We thought nothing of it.

3. Spazzcakes (v): To freak out and go completely insane; (n) A state of extreme emotional and intellectual disorientation.

Then one of the roommates suddenly decided it was the candle one of us was burning that caused the fire alarm. This resulted in everyone suddenly going spazzcakes. Hint: (It was not the candle that caused the fire alarm.)

4. Fail (n, v, adj, adv): Self-explanatory.

I thought it would be a good idea to, instead of blowing out the candle, grab the candle and run. This resulted in drippy wax going all over my hand and arm, as well as the slick wood floor. Meanwhile the roommates were screaming to put on pants and get the hell outside or we would all burn to death.

5. Food Coma (n): When you eat so much food you feel sleepy and irritable and have no choice but to fall into a coma-like nap.

After all the stress, I cooked a whole pot of mac and cheese and, since no one would help me eat it, I consumed the entire box and fell into a food coma.