Thursday, October 15, 2009

Triphallus, to Punctuate!

I believe as human beings we operate under many different philosophies.

In studying the various philosoph(ers/ies) I've come to name some of the life philosophies I adopt depending on my situation. It isn't even a conscious thing, but the way I function in certain times can be labeled as one of the philosophies I've studied. Lemme explain...

When I audition or wait to hear a result, I am a solipsist. My thoughts can affect the outcome. If I believe something will happen, it won't; If I convince myself it won't, it will. (This also attributes to my theory of balance of good and bad in a day, which is pretty solipsist because it ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy anyway, and it is all a product of my mind.) The solipsist believes, at its most extreme, that their mind is the only thing that exists and everything around them is a product of their imagination and can therefore be controlled by it. I simply believe that the way I think will affect something I have no control over in the first place. I never said it was right, in fact, I accept its ridiculousness.

When I become angered by others, I am a moral absolutist. People are either completely good or completely bad and harmful. In my more neutral mind, I know this isn't true, but it comes out in the worst way when this happens. I don't forgive, I only forget to be mad. Terrible philosophy to adopt.

When I get discouraged by my own actions, I am an existentialist. Life is absurd. People are absurd, and act in such a way. I am absurd. You are absurd. Existence is absurd and surreal. Nothing matters, yet it completely does. I am a failure waiting for Godot who will never come.

When I am determined, I am a utilitarian. The things I strive for, I strive for based only on their ability to make me happy in the future. This usually fails me. When I become determined to dance well, for example, the actual act of dancing makes me so unhappy that it erases all trace of utilitarianism, no matter how good my initial intentions may be.

When I am sad, I am generally still existentialist, because life is absurd and pretty much sucks balls.

But most of the time I have to forget everything shitty around me and fall into some form of Zen, the only "philosophy" (if one can really call it that) that doesn't pull me one way or another. My head is tired from all the thinking I do every day. I tend to zone out, all the time. I'm not lost in a zone of "no-thought," in fact, I'm doing the opposite: I think too much. I follow a thought and follow and follow and the thought grows and becomes global:
Why can't I keep my balance on that pirouette?
Why don't I have good balance at all?
What if this affected the way I walk?
How will me doing a turn help anyone in the world?
Am I following a selfish profession? (I'm not, btw)
Why are people allergic to shellfish?
I heard somewhere that alpacas are the fastest growing industry...
Etc, etc, etc.
It's a vicious cycle.

My mind doesn't wander.
It sprints.
Into a manhole.
And through the sewers.


Hawk said...

Being absurd is amusing.

middleagedtreehouse said...

"Am I following a selfish profession?"

No. Making an artistic contribution to the world is not selfish. You only look at what you do based on what you get out of it. Kate, you forget that you generously give the world something of yourself. People love to hear you and see you!

Last night the Grossmans and I were talking about their experience seeing Mary Poppins at Fair Park and how magical theater is, what an escape it provides. Often even the technical aspects of theater are so moving and amazing. The arts are vital to us. You should be proud of your profession!