Sunday, August 19, 2012

I sit here in my kitchen

and think about life.

I've been taking care of my mom since she got her surgery. This mostly means I've been thawing out a lot of food she cooked prior to this week, fetching her water, and watching 30 Rock. 30 Rock is the best medicine. Unless, of course, it makes your mother laugh so hard that it hurts her abdomen, the area in which she had surgery, and this in turn makes her laugh more until tears come out of her eyes, and then nobody can quit laughing and crying.

Curse you, Liz Lemon!

Some of my friends got married recently. So that's cool.

What else have I been doing?

Staying home, really. The Boyfriend was here all of last week, and I of course gained a few pounds feeding him all of the great things Texas has to offer. Now I'm trying to lose it again, but of course, dieting in my book means "making a feeble attempt at portioning the Hamburger Helper your dad made and also trying not to eat so many damn Oreos."

Perhaps I'll go to the coffeeshop later.

There was something else I wanted to blog about, but I can't remember now.

Oh! I applied for jobs at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Like, office jobs. Is it weird that I get excited about an office position? All of my jobs have been either artistic or menial, so I want a normal grown-up job, at least for a bit.

Blogged while eating Hamburger Helper,

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Green Soup

I don't know what possessed me, but I went to my favorite web site Food Gawker (brilliant, gorgeous food porn, which leads you to blogs and recipes-- go now) and decided to make green soup. Green soup is basically a bunch of vegetables ground up and cooked in water with a bunch of other delicious stuff in it.

I bought a big thing o' spinach
And then I cut up two gigantic things of broccoli (what are those called? Stalks? It's stalks, right?) along with celery, parsley, and... some other stuff. I forgot.
None of those things are tasty.

But then I added THESE mofos.
OH YEAHH. Garlic, lemon, garlic flavored olive oil, normal olive oil, onions, and ginger.

By the way, cutting raw ginger root is a painful experience. It burns your eyes.

Aaaaand then you put it all together and simmer it for 15 minutes.

Then, I put it in a food blender, but filled it to the top, which you are not supposed to do.

I didn't take a photo, but it looked something like this
(Instead of burns, pretend it's green shit)


And go forth to the end result.

It's hard to make green soup look appetizing.

I hate dieting.
But this soup is actually palatable. Especially with carbs, like these Market Street crackers. YAY CARBS

Here is my dinner. How friggin' low calorie is this? (As compared to my typical dinner, which is always either pizza, cake, or pizza... and cake.)
Green soup, crackers, diet soda. URRRGGHHHHHHH

Will it be delicious?

(I'm lying. It's not so great.)

And now for no reason whatsoever, here's a photo of me in giant blue glasses.

Also, West Nile is killing lots of people in Texas, so be sure to wear bug spray, okay?

Blogged while avoiding cleaning the kitchen,

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Why I Can't be a Fashion Blogger

1. Because my outfits typically consist of things like this

2. Because my favorite color is gray
3. Because I know zero about fashion
4. What little I think I know about fashion is actually just me wishing I could pull off wearing stuff like this

...which I can only do in my dreams. My sparkly, Hello Kitty-filled dreams.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Big City Ramblings II

I also went to the beach, tried out a new nail art thing, and spent lots of time commuting by train (as always.)

Also-- Mets game, beach, hair dye. That makes a good summer. :)

Big City Ramblings

All right, I've put it off long enough! Time to blog about my adventures!

Namely, my baking adventures.

I made a cake! Working with fondant is awesome.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Best photo app ever

I got a few new iPhone apps after they were promoted by my favorite blogger XiaXue...

...and I have way too much fun with them.

Some of them are simply filters or color editors, like Camera360. They have a skin filter called "glowy" that makes your skin look awesome.

My skin doesn't look anywhere near this even, so I cheated. :)

The toad is real though. He was adorable.

Crazier apps, like "Lumie" and "LINE Camera," allow you to not only add filters, but things like stickers and other purikura goodness. (Purikura is a Japanese photobooth type thing where you get to look crazy and cute and have lots of stickers)

I started with a normal photo I took... which is already kind of cool, with the light flare behind and stuff.

Then I used a vintage filter on Camera 360...

Then you can add a border and SPARKLES with LINE Camera! Yay sparkles!

And then my name. hurr hurr.

And apps like these are how I'm able to turn a perfectly normal photograph

Into an abomination such as this one. HEYOHHHH

LINE Camera is ULTRA fun because of its stickers. You will see above I not only added sparkles, but a bow and hipster glasses. Their effects don't end there; they have anime eyes, hair, hats, clothes, and everything else you could need to make a photograph absolutely ridiculous.

Here, let's start with this

And make THESE!

And from there, we can start with this

And make these!

I'm Johnny Depp, muthafuckaaaas!

Disco chic!

I like this one's hair. The bow is cool too.

Anime something or other, who the hell knows

Soccer beach mom?

Snowy cat thing?

JPop princess!

Super cool blonde DJ chick!

Winston said I looked like Dev in this one. Dev is the singer in that "Like a G6" song

Speaking of Winston, NO ONE is safe from my photo editing! Muahaha!

The last is my personal favorite. He looks like such a sweet little Alaskan schoolgirl.

Yup, no one is safe, including my 80-year old grandpa.
Supa suave.

Blogged while recovering from seeing Rock of Ages, which is truly terrible (save for a love duet between Alec Baldwin and Russel Brand,)

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

This is why we can't watch movies together

Let me preface by saying that my grandmother is a badass.

However, she is also batshit insane crazy.

Also, southern. Not Texas-southern, but deep Georgia-southern, which is inherently crazy anyway.

(I say this with all due respect and love toward the Georgians)

So, my mom and I took a road trip to come visit her and spend some time together doing what southern girls do best... cooking and eating. When everything was cooked that needed to be cooked, we decided to watch a movie. The movie we picked was It's Complicated, starring Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin.

Here is some of the dialogue that happened while watching that movie.
(My grandmother's name is Sandra, and will be in red. My mother is Tracy, in green. Please, if you can, imagine all of Sandra's speech in a harsh southern accent.)

(After the initial plot setup)
Sandra: Does he have two wives?
Me: No grandmom, he has a new trophy wife, and then Meryl Streep is the ex-wife.
Sandra: Oh. Well, I don't get it.

(5 minutes into the movie)
Sandra: Oh my god, they're gonna poontang!**
Me: Well, yes.
Sandra: This is a nasty movie.

(Roughly 1000 times during the film)
Sandra: This movie is nasty. I don't like it.

(Fifteen minutes later)
Sandra: Oh good lord. Is she gonna have a baby?
Tracy: She's fifty nine, mother! No!
Sandra: Oh, all right.

(Ten minutes later)
Sandra: Who's that?
Tracy: That's Alec Baldwin, mother. He's been in this movie for an hour.
Sandra: Oh.
(Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep begin to take off items of clothing.)
Sandra: Oh good lord, they're gonna do it again.
Sandra: I like sex. I never get sex any more. Your daddy doesn't give me any.
Me and Tracy: SHUT UP PLEASE

(Several times)
Sandra: So, what, is she gonna get pregnant or something?
Tracy: No, mom. You already asked that. She's not.
Sanda: Oh, well, okay.

(Any time any of us stopped speaking)
Sandra: Y'all want some cake?
Me: Nope.
Tracy: No, I'm good.
Sandra: I need to get y'all some cake. You want milk with your cake?

Sandra: Is she gonna have a baby?
Me and Tracy: NO!!!
Tracy: She's old, mother! That's not what this movie is about! It has nothing to do with babies!
Sanda: Oh, well, women her age can still have babies!
Me: There are no babies in this movie. I promise.
Sandra: All right. Anybody want some cake? (pause) This movie is nasty.

(The next morning)
Sandra: Oh, I liked that movie! There was lots of sex! I like sexy movies. Lots of poontang!
Me and Tracy: [headdesk]

Watching movies with my grandmother?

It's Complicated.

But she made us some killer pink cake. The pink cake recipe is a secret. Naturally, then, at some point I'll write about the recipe.

Blogged while keeping Austin weird,

**Note: "poontang" possibly comes from the Italian or maybe Philippino word for "whore," or puntania or something. My grandmother, who has no idea of other languages or the word's origins, uses it to describe sex, and uses it as a noun, verb, and adjective interchangeably.  Variations include "poontangin'" and "poontangs".