Tuesday, June 26, 2012

This is why we can't watch movies together

Let me preface by saying that my grandmother is a badass.

However, she is also batshit insane crazy.

Also, southern. Not Texas-southern, but deep Georgia-southern, which is inherently crazy anyway.

(I say this with all due respect and love toward the Georgians)

So, my mom and I took a road trip to come visit her and spend some time together doing what southern girls do best... cooking and eating. When everything was cooked that needed to be cooked, we decided to watch a movie. The movie we picked was It's Complicated, starring Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin.

Here is some of the dialogue that happened while watching that movie.
(My grandmother's name is Sandra, and will be in red. My mother is Tracy, in green. Please, if you can, imagine all of Sandra's speech in a harsh southern accent.)

(After the initial plot setup)
Sandra: Does he have two wives?
Me: No grandmom, he has a new trophy wife, and then Meryl Streep is the ex-wife.
Sandra: Oh. Well, I don't get it.

(5 minutes into the movie)
Sandra: Oh my god, they're gonna poontang!**
Me: Well, yes.
Sandra: This is a nasty movie.

(Roughly 1000 times during the film)
Sandra: This movie is nasty. I don't like it.

(Fifteen minutes later)
Sandra: Oh good lord. Is she gonna have a baby?
Tracy: She's fifty nine, mother! No!
Sandra: Oh, all right.

(Ten minutes later)
Sandra: Who's that?
Tracy: That's Alec Baldwin, mother. He's been in this movie for an hour.
Sandra: Oh.
(Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep begin to take off items of clothing.)
Sandra: Oh good lord, they're gonna do it again.
Sandra: I like sex. I never get sex any more. Your daddy doesn't give me any.
Me and Tracy: SHUT UP PLEASE

(Several times)
Sandra: So, what, is she gonna get pregnant or something?
Tracy: No, mom. You already asked that. She's not.
Sanda: Oh, well, okay.

(Any time any of us stopped speaking)
Sandra: Y'all want some cake?
Me: Nope.
Tracy: No, I'm good.
Sandra: I need to get y'all some cake. You want milk with your cake?

Sandra: Is she gonna have a baby?
Me and Tracy: NO!!!
Tracy: She's old, mother! That's not what this movie is about! It has nothing to do with babies!
Sanda: Oh, well, women her age can still have babies!
Me: There are no babies in this movie. I promise.
Sandra: All right. Anybody want some cake? (pause) This movie is nasty.

(The next morning)
Sandra: Oh, I liked that movie! There was lots of sex! I like sexy movies. Lots of poontang!
Me and Tracy: [headdesk]

Watching movies with my grandmother?

It's Complicated.

But she made us some killer pink cake. The pink cake recipe is a secret. Naturally, then, at some point I'll write about the recipe.

Blogged while keeping Austin weird,

**Note: "poontang" possibly comes from the Italian or maybe Philippino word for "whore," or puntania or something. My grandmother, who has no idea of other languages or the word's origins, uses it to describe sex, and uses it as a noun, verb, and adjective interchangeably.  Variations include "poontangin'" and "poontangs".

1 comment:

Barb said...

*snort* You nailed it! Gotta love your grandma Sandra, she is a hoot.