Thursday, February 12, 2009

I should be a game designer

So, it's CIS. We're all completing Excel spreadsheets for our grades. David and I have already finished ours, so what are we doing?

Playing Mario, of course!

It's all fun and well until I see that there's an option on the main screen called "edit level." An evil grin passes my face.

I present to you: Kate's Super Mario level of Doooooom.


Hey, this level looks all right... wait... why is it called that? Is... is that its title?
Ok, so, um, that's a little unsettling. Never mind though. Tum tee tum...

Ok, so, let's start. Hm, we're in the castle.
Oh, ok, we start out with some coins and a block. No big deal.
This looks pretty easy. Who designed this anyway? PSH- LAAAAME.

So I'm just gonna come over here and-- wait... what the fuck, is that a fire swirl?
..and...flying turtles? And fireballs? Already?

I don't... HOLY SWEET JESUS WHAT THE HELL
Wha... wha.... .......?!?
YES. THAT'S RIGHT. FIFTY THOUSAND FIREBALLS, FLYING TURTLES, FIRE SPINNERS, A GIANT CANNON, AND TWENTY CONSECUTIVE VENUS FLYTRAPS ABOVE A LAVA PIT.

But clearly, the only way to get across it is with the invincibility star, which I have very kindly and secretly planted in the beginning spaces.

If you are somehow able to get past the hell-fire pit of death and destruction, you come to a simple staircase with a pool below.
That tunnel doesn't go anywhere. Obviously I am not a very good programmer.


Then you literally run through about 7000 miles of pure nothing before you get to the finishing tunnel.

Why? Because I got bored of it and stopped making things.
(You see this screen for about 4 minutes)
Keep on truckin', Mario....

Then there's finally the ending tunnel. What is at the other end?

BOWSER!
...who will ultimately kill you. See, this is you getting killed by Bowser.

Yes, there is no way to win Kate's Super Mario Level of Doom.
It is like life. You will always die in the end.


(Moral: I should not be a game programmer)

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